The spirit is willing, but the flesh is uncooperative

"Sedentarism is very much linked to consumerism, materialism, colonialism, and the destruction of the planet. If you're not moving, someone else is moving for you, either directly, or indirectly by making STUFF to make not moving easier on you. You were born into a sedentary culture, so 99.9 percent of your sedentary behaviours are flying under your radar. Start paying attention. What do you see?" - Katy Bowman, Movement Matters: Essays on Movement Science, Movement Ecology, and the Nature of Movement.

Every time I read it, my stomach clenches in the way that means that this is something important. I read the above quote on Boing Boing under the intriguing title "Your body has been outsourced". It pulls on my gut in many ways: as a fitness lover and a person interested in body positivity, as a person interested in protecting the environment, as a person who tries to think critically about capitalism and colonialism, and as a Pagan interested in embodied religion. I dug into Katy Bowman's blog with some trepidation, though, because I am now also a person with health conditions, one of which may prove to be profoundly life-altering.

At the end of 2016, I was a part-time fitness instructor going to the gym 4 or 5 days a week, who used a standing desk at work, and who commuted to and from my full-time day job and all over the city on my own two feet. At the end of 2017, I had given up my fitness class and my standing desk, I was working from home several days a week and commuting by bus when I had to go in, and waiting for my MRI results.

I think people should move, or not move, in ways they want to. Exercise is not a moral imperative; health isn't an obligation. And no matter how much we would like to pretend otherwise, health also isn't always in our control. Sometimes there isn't a choice to move or not move; your body chooses for you.

I curl up on myself, holding the parts of me that hurt, and know that I am privileged to get to sit for long periods every day with work, education, entertainment, and connection all delivered to me digitally, and sometimes food and other necessities ordered online and brought to my door. I am blessed that I can be sedentary; I try not to resent my body for needing so much stillness.

I feel the unfairness in my body.

I feel it in my numb and fumbling hands: I am outsourcing my personal labour when I choose to buy new socks rather than darn the ones I have.

I feel it in my aching shins: I am participating in environmental destruction when I choose to email my colleague instead of crossing the room to talk to her.

I feel it in the shocks that run down my arms: I am supporting the exploitation of people when I use one of my three portable phones instead of going to the phone in the kitchen.

I feel it in the brain fog and when I can't hold on to simple information: I am relying on ethically-challenged systems when I use apps on my phone to track my medications and keep track of appointments and meetings.

It's a kind of cognitive dissonance, I think. My gut tells me that it is right to do as much of my own labour as possible and my heart tells me that it's best to move, but my legs and arms and brain don't always cooperate. That might be my reality; it is the reality of many people around me, including some I love very much. I don't know how to resolve this push and pull when I am unwell, but when I am feeling well, I won't take it for granted.

Yeah, well, so mote it be, right?